“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
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When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
c’mon!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?