“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
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How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Y’all know who you are.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
HOW DARE YOU
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
The median voter
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.