I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Just so funny
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
LOOOOOOL
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.