Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Put a ring on it

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

jesus, what did this guy do

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.