Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

That’s enough internet for the day

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!