*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Mapping America’s Far Right
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no