*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
You Might Also Like
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Webb. James Webb.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.