*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
How do I get a job writing these texts
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”