Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Check your privilege

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later