Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

long lost

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.