Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”