I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
![]()
You Might Also Like
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.