I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
