Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Oh no

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager