I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.