Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer