Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.