I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions