Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Grandpa