I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date