I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”