I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Go hard or stay average
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.