“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
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You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
こいつ天才
