“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….