“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
When I laugh on my period
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.