I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
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My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.