Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

Follow me for more recipes

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.