I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When someone trying to leave me
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds