Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

“Worm Regards”

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.