i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
feetloaf
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.