Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Doug is just Canadian for dog

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.