I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
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Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
wut hotdog?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus