I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Ghost costume 😂
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.