Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.