I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
step 6: release the wall snake
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?