Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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There is no “ea” in Tim.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

!!!!!!!!!!!

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

I know a bad idea when I see one.