Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.