I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go