I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
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*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you