I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
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I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today