I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Found the job I’m suited for
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
umm…
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham