I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
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Comparing yourself to others
We need more people like this.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Received some very disappointing news today
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.