I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
You Might Also Like
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls