Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020