I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
tis the season
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.