I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
