I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
This is a whole mood;
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Saturday
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
hey, alexa
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Found my door mat
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon