I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again