I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
I need this for my side hustle.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.