I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET