Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf