I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
uh oh
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes