I march to the beat of my own dumb
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I can’t stop watching this.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”