I march to the beat of my own dumb
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Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
This forever.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then