I march to the beat of my own dumb
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My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …