Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

Social distancing in Australia:

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

So Hamburger help me, God

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie