I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.