I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.