I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
