I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
