I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
