Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.