I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
You Might Also Like
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.