I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
“HELP WITH CAT”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I found your tweet-up…
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.