I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I finally found a reason to live again.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.