i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Stop.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Thursday Thought.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.