i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
😅🤣😂
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
