Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.