“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently