Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?