Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
The Birdles
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
motivation
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.