Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

Ha.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat