Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

i meant to share this earlier

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.