I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
A family that plays together cheats.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow